I re-watched (I watched it originally with Mrs. Rawson and a friend visiting from New Hampshire about a year ago.) Small Apartments by Swedish director Jonas Åkerlund last night. Here are some quick impressions.
1) Mustard and deli pickles, who the fuck eats that?
2) James Cann!
3) Our lead, Franklin (Played by Matt Lucas), is what a slug would look like if a slug became a human being and spent his days eating deli pickles covered in mustard and drinking Moxie orange soda.
4) “Sanity is wasted on the sane.”
5) Johnny Knoxville has zero skill as an actor. He’s the Jackass guy. He makes shit tons of money being the Jackass guy. When he’s not being the Jackass guy, he makes movies like Small Apartments and Grand Theft Parsons, so I’m a Johnny Knoxville fan despite his lack of acting ability.
6) Franklin talks to his dog, and, yes, the dog talks back with an Oxford bred accent. That’s Oxford, England, not Oxford, Mississippi.
7) Small Apartments is the kind of comedy David Lynch would make if he made screwball noir comedies.
8) Franklin imagining that he’s cutting up his landlord into little pieces with a hacksaw so he can dispose of his body is the best sight gag in a movie chock full of gruesome sight gags.
9) David Lynch fans are always looking for the next David Lynch because we love his movies and miss that he’s not making them anymore.
10) Rebel Wilson can’t act, either. But she’s likable and can deliver great one-liners better than any comedic actress currently working.
11) “I’m on a forty day cleanse to rid myself of my herpes.”
12) I wonder if comedic actors ever get tired of being called comedic actors?
13) By the way, guys, it’s okay to admit you liked Pitch Perfect. it’s a fun little movie, so you don’t have to preface it by saying I liked Pitch Perfect because of Rebel Wilson.
14) Need an actress to play white trash or a wannabe hooker-with-a-heart-gold? Then by all means call Juno Temple. Juno Temple is going to be the next Julia Roberts.
15) James Marsden plays Franklin’s brother, Bernard. Bernard gets headaches and is insane. Bernard is institutionalized and sends Franklin audiotapes of his ravings and toenail clippings on a daily basis. Barnard stops sending the tapes and clippings, so the heart of the movie becomes about what the fuck has happened to Bernard?
16) Billy Crystal plays a creepy fire marshal who pretends to talk to his ex-wife on his cell phone. It’s refreshing to see Billy Crystal curse and drink bourbon the second he rolls out of bed instead of just playing a mensch.
17) Franklin’s dog chews on the severed big toe of his landlord throughout the entire movie. Like I said, the film is full of gruesome sight gags.
18) If you need someone to play a creepy landlord who accepts blowjobs from his male tenants in lieu of rent, make sure to call Peter Stomare. For those of you who don’t know who Peter Stomare is, he’s the mute hitman from Fargo.
19) Despite the semi-vicious nature of the film, there are moments where Åkerlund spotlights the tenderness of human beings. Such as a scene where an intimidating looking Latino man walking his equally intimidating pitbull stops to give Franklin lessons on how to drive stick shift.
20) Rosie Perez’ cameo is equally as humane.
21) Shocker, David Koechner has a role in this. If you don’t know who Koechner is, you haven’t watched a movie in the past ten years.
22) Saddest point in the movie is when Franklin gets mugged by two tweaked out thugs. Franklin is wearing nothing but his winter coat, tighty whities, and knee high socks. He gets the shit kicked out of him.
23) If I wrote movies, Small Apartments would be the type of movie I would write. Chances are I would starve if I wrote movies for a living.
24) Dolph Lungren plays a self-help huckster in Small Apartments and I totally buy this, and just not as a movie role. I imagine the man would be a natural as an Amway salesman.
25) Bernard wasn’t insane, Bernard had a brain tumor. Had.
26) Outside of Franklin, you never really develop an emotional connection with any of the other characters, this is a huge flaw when it comes to an ensemble film.
27) Here’s a spoiler, everyone but Franklin and Billy Crystal’s character dies. It’s a little sad, but like I said, no emotional investment.
28) So should you watch Small Apartments? If you like DARK, kind of dumb/smart comedies, this one is going to be right up your alley.
29) Alpenhorns are weird.