I want Bill Murray to be my step-dad.
But not the real Bill Murray,
one of the
Fake ones.

I don’t want the Murray of Mad Dog
And Glory,

Or Arthur Dent from A Little Shop
Of Horrors,

Or that cuckold Dr. Raleigh St. Clair.

Not even Peter Venkman.
(Although he’d be a
24-hour party)

I want Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken from
The first Farrelly
Brothers
Flick.

I want McCracken and his tornado
Of hair, bowling in Reno against
a one-handed
Woody Harrelson.

In fact, I don’t just want him to be
My step-dad, I want to
be his
Bastard,

Who pines for his father’s affection
His entire life, but is
constantly
Denied.

At least until McCracken suddenly
Dies while having sex with a truck
stop
Prostitute

And he wills me his magnificent
Bowling ball, the one with the
Rose in
The center of it.


Evening Soundtrack: Still Striving By A$AP Ferg